Should Parents Play With Children LESS?
My personal parenting bible, the book that so radically changed my views of human nature and how children are designed to develop, is The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff. Her views were informed by living for nearly three years with “primitive” hunter-gatherers who didn’t even have a word for parenting! Their children played with little or no adult supervision, all day, every day, from early childhood through adolescence, somehow managing along the way to master all the skills needed to thrive as adults. Babies were lavished with 24/7 nurturance, but by the time they could walk, toddlers began taking charge of their lives, and they were trusted to do so.
In 1998, when my first child was barely walking and I was collaborating with Jean to create a website for her book, I mentioned that I had been playing with my baby, and she implored me not to get in the habit of being my child’s playmate. She pointed out that adults among the extraordinarily happy and harmonious hunter-gatherers she had lived with rarely played with small children. The youngsters were welcome to join in adult play, but adults never pretended to be interested in playing like litle children, nor did they feel obligated to entertain their young. Children created their own entertainment through imaginative play with other children, most often finding play partners who were two to four years older or younger, less often with same-age peers, and almost never with adults.
I didn’t completely stop playing with my child, because today’s isolating social structures and norms make it hard for children to meet their need for self-directed play with other children. But my wife and I did shift our efforts from being playmates to finding playmates who are not adults, ideally by creating something akin to a modern “tribe.” We also learned about a primal style of play that transcends age (and species!) called Original Play (videos). Fred Donaldson’s book, Playing By Heart, delves deeply into the philosophy of Original Play.
When parents start to feel like “play slaves” to their kids, it’s often part of an unhealthy parent-child dynamic that Jean Liedloff called child-centeredness. Understanding this phenomenon, and how to avoid it, greatly enhanced my family’s parent-child partnerships. I also learned that avoiding unhealthy child-centeredness has a few pitfalls, which I wrote about here.
The work of Peter Gray includes many powerful insights about play. These are summarized in his book, Free to Learn, in this 40-minute presentation (video), and in his research papers on play. Peter’s latest blog post is all about a new book called The Gardener and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik. I haven’t read the book yet, but it seems to make some good arguments for shifting to a less-is-more approach: less parenting (as a verb) and more parenthood (noun) — the state of being a nurturing, trusting presence and a source of unconditional love.
My advice: If you’re playing with your child because you think you should, that’s not play, it’s work. Being playful is healthy when it’s authentic and actually fun for you. Play in ways that you would enjoy even without children, and allow your child to observe or join in if she or he wants to. Avoid playing with children in ways that impose typical adult objectives like teaching, moralizing, “building self-esteem,” etc. (Try “Original Play” instead.) And do your best to give your child ample opportunities for age-mixed, self-directed play with other children, with little or no adult supervision and influence.
You will be a positive influence on your child — indirectly but powerfully — by demonstrating Partnership, Authenticity, Trust, and Heart.
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