Protecting a Free-Spirited Teenager
This question comes from a mother who values personal freedom — including for children — and now finds that value at odds with her maternal instincts...
If you handle this well, both of you will feel more connected to Authentic Power, and to each other. But it’s not as simple as saying, “I believe in freedom, so it’s his choice, and I should stay out of it.” You are his mother, after all, and naturally you feel protective.
It’s no surprise that our go-to strategies for protection are based on control: controlling is the strategy for just about everything in our culture! If a particular behavior is potentially dangerous, we usually ban it, and then we back up the new rule with a threat:
“I’ve determined that vaping is bad for you, so I forbid it. And if I catch you vaping, you’ll be grounded and lose your video game privileges for a month.”
I don’t need to tell you how destructive to the parent-child relationship that sort of response is, nor that it probably wouldn’t achieve the desired result. But it’s worth mentioning that control-based protection can actually have the opposite of the intended effect!
Since his prime directive is self-empowerment, a control-based strategy would compel him to defy the rules and engage in the dangerous behaviors just to prove to himself that he is his own master. Or he might “give in” and give up hope of discovering his power as it relates to those behaviors, and he’d be losing an opportunity to learn self-protection.
Over time, control-based protection creates an unhealthy dependency on external authorities for guidance, which is partly why our society is teeming with young adults who resist “growing up” and lack the courage to forge their own paths.
So how does a freedom-loving mother protect her offspring?
First, you have to consider the wisdom of the old saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” While that’s not always true (because non-fatal trauma is sometimes more debilitating than fortifying), it is true that taking risks and surviving failure can be a very powerful way to learn and grow. When you allow your son to take risks, you’re supporting a developmental process that will ultimately make him safer and more capable of protecting himself without your intervention. The tricky part is figuring out whether a particular risky behavior is likely to kill him or not.
Some things are obviously too risky, like the game of Russian Roulette, but most risks involve too many variables to know. You could lock your child in a padded room and he might still slip and break his neck. Effective self-protection requires access a source of wisdom that runs deeper than risk management: inner guidance.
My advice* is to avoid control-based protection in this case, because vaping is unlikely to kill him anytime soon. Yes, it could eventually lead to addiction and disease, but there is time for the more powerful protective effects of his inner guidance to kick in before such problems arise. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do anything at all, though. Here are some things you can start doing now:
- Continually remind yourself that his long-term safety depends on him developing the ability to assess risks, understand his own limits and boundaries, access his inner guidance, and make wise choices on his own.
- Embrace your new role as a supporter of this developmental process, and let go of being his direct protector — a role that made sense when he was much younger but now is more likely to undermine his progress.
- Start an ongoing conversation about it. Begin by telling him you respect his freedom to engage in vaping — that you have concerns about the potential negative effects, but you trust him to find his own way with it. The quality of these conversations will be proportional to your willingness to release your judgments related to vaping and appreciate his growth process. From this appreciative, judgment-free position, you can share information — such as the latest research on the effects of vaping, or alternatives that are less risky — without being pushy. You can also engage in heart-to-heart conversations, through which he might realize that his interest in vaping is just compensation for a more authentic, unmet need.
- If you have a hard time letting go of judgments, I recommend doing “The Work” of Byron Katie.
- Honor your own boundaries relative to the issue. Supporting his freedom to choose an activity that you believe to be unhealthy is not the same as supporting the activity itself. It might be out of integrity for you to buy him e-cigs or otherwise accommodate his vaping. But be careful not to let integrity morph into controlling, such as deciding to stop giving him an allowance because he spends it on vaping. (If you require it to be spent a certain way, it’s not an allowance, it’s more like a bribe.) Keep your heart open and focus on boundaries that affect how you control your own behavior.
Maintaining a strong partnership with your son and demonstrating through your actions and attitudes that you accept him unconditionally — even when you disagree — will bolster his self-esteem and create an emotional safety net that protects him from peer pressure. Knowing that you’re on his side and have his back, no matter what, will encourage him to have his own back — to advocate for his own best interests even when it’s “not cool.”
Lastly, I recommend that you take a little time every day to fill your heart and mind with images of the loving, creative, responsible, adventurous, powerful man your son is becoming. Let yourself know that this is Who He Really Is — with or without vaping — and the long-term, positive effect on him will be profound.
* People familiar with my writing know that “my advice” never means “I think you should do this.” The only thing I think you “should” do is follow your inner guidance. If your gut tells you that my advice doesn’t apply to you or your child, please go with your gut.
- Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, by Daniel Siegel
- Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, by Byron Katie
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